We all deal with our own internal struggles from time to time. One of mine is (believe it or not) being overly determined.

It is fairly rare for me to be determined about anything. I think I'm pretty much laid back about nearly everything. I'm generally fine with whatever happens or doesn't happen. I'm typically happy to find out what my family, friends, and co-workers want/need/envision and try to help them make it happen, knowing that whatever the outcome, whatever the circumstances I will be happiest seeing them happy.

I also generally operate under the motto that there isn't much in life that is actually worth getting stressed out over. This philosophy is a blessing and a curse to me, but that's for another blog entirely.

The issue I'm talking about today is what arises when I do get determined about anything.

Issue #1: What I get determined about.
Not always, but often, I get determined about the wrong things. Examples: the major I picked in college, winning at a certain auction (I did win, but it is possibly one of my most shameful moments in my life's history), and various other ideas that I let fester in my head for literally years before I either get what I am after or just give up and move on.

Then again, sometimes I do get determined about things that work out and when they work out it is possibly the number one best feeling of all times. Examples: finishing college, saving up enough money to do any and all of the roadtrips and planetrips I have taken, learning guitar, learning how to scuba dive, and there are probably many more examples.



Issue #2: Knowing when to keep going and when to quit.
Song lyrics run through my head as I mull over this one. . . "Darlin' you've got to let me know, should I stay or should I go". . . "You've gotta know when to hold 'em, know when to fold 'em, know when to walk away, know when to run. . ."

If left to my own devices, I will quite literally hang on to an idea for years and years. Sometimes, this is quite admirable. You know, the stuff heros are made of and whatnot. Other times, it is just pathetic and unhealthy at best.

There is something to be said for "never give up" and perservering through all odds. There is a certain amount of respect that must be held for determination that keeps on even when it seems the whole world is mocking you, when circumstances and even logic seem to say "it's never gonna happen".

Then again, alot can be said for knowing when to gracefully accept defeat and move on to more productive, attainable, worthwhile causes.

I guess my deal is that I am afraid to let go of things sometimes. I'm afraid to let go because what if I had just held on a little longer? Would it have all fallen into place if I just held out one more day, one more week, one more month, etc.? I'm afraid of looking back on my life and saying "what could have happened if hadn't let my fears stop me or if I hadn't listened to that doubting voice in my head?" But it's a bit of a paradox, because it seems that fear is partially what prevents me from pursuing things and makes me let go of things and keeps me from letting go of things. Fear of failure. Fear that I am wasting valueable time. Fear of the what-ifs. Fear that something better isn't going to come along. Fear of missing out.