God, the Church and Me

I will preface this blog with this statement: I love the church. I know that there are many parts of the church that are imperfect at best and completely screwed up at worst. But for better or worse, the church has been a huge part of my life for, well, my whole life. The church has been where I found community, where I learned about so many things from theology to spirituality to social interaction to my own strengths and weaknesses.

Currently, I am struggling with the pending changes soon to take place in my life and situation. And once again, my church family has been there supporting me through this whole process. How have they been there for me you ask? Well, really the list could probably go on forever. But a few examples are when my community here does things like throwing a going away party for me, when individual friends go out of their way to spend time with me before I leave, when people show real concern/excitement about my next step in life and how I'm feeling about it all or when a friend looks you dead in the eye and genuinely says that they are going to miss you. The church community here has made me feel truly appreciated and loved. They have prayed for me and with me. They have been my family this last year and a half. But the church does not stop here in Maadi. I have been supported and loved all the way across the Atlantic Ocean. There is, of course, my family family. And they let me know in every skype conversation and every email how much they love me and look forward to my return. Then there is my church family in Augusta, which is mostly spread between the three Vineyard churches there. They do their best to support me through the distance in emails and in just reading and commenting on this blog. And really, it means a lot to me. Then there is the Kauffmans. They are my second family. I wish I could marry in, but both of their sons are too young for me. Anyways, they are there in emails, offering possible options for the next step in my life and praying for me. How much support and affirmation can one girl get? So all this to say. . . I love the church and have no idea what my life would be like without it.

So a few days ago I was sharing with my freind Emma how scared I am about going home and about leaving Egypt. So she suggested we get together and pray before I left. We set up a time and place, which was this morning at the church. So at 10:00 am this morning, Esther, Emma and I all sat down to pray. Emma shared some scriptures she thought might be relevant to what was going on in my life and I talked about all my doubts and confusion. We prayed and at the end of it, I really did feel more at peace about the move back to the states. Partially just because I had someone to talk out loud to and tell them my reasons for going back, which in turn reminded me of my very good reasons for going back. Partially it was the prayer. Emma and Esther prayed about things that I had not even thought to pray about. They prayed about real challenges I will be facing that I had not even considered. And I prayed out loud things that I have been praying silently for the last month. Why does it seem that there is some sort of power in saying things audibly? God can hear our silent prayers too, so why do the silent and audible prayers not feel the same? I'm sure it has more to do with me than it does with God, but I still don't get it. Anyhow, God really gave me some peace through this time and spoke to me through Emma and Esther.

One main idea that really stood out to me during this time was that as a Christian, my identity is really found in God. It is a simple statement that I have heard and known as long as I can remember. But even in the simple things, I need reminders from time to time. My identity cannot be found in another person. My happiness cannot be based on how much money is in my bank account. My feelings of worth and value cannot have their foundation in a title I'm given or a position I hold or any other status symbol. My contentment cannot rely on where I live or what jobs I am currently doing. My sense of self cannot even be defined by my knowledge or past experiences. It is really only to be found in God. All the others are temporary solutions. They change, they fail, they let you down. Then you are left feeling confused, frustrated and disillusioned. So if I am finding my self and defining myself in God, I won't be measuring my happiness by whether I am living here or there, by whether I am teaching or making coffee for a living. I will be happy and content no matter what the circumstances are because God is God and He doesn't change. So the concept is simple, but the exocution of it can be hard. We'll see how I do with that.

A second idea that was impressed on me during this time was a simple sentence that Emma prayed for me. She said that God would use me in peoples' lives by me just being me. I am naturally a doer. I have to being doing things, proving my worth, and pulling my share. That is not a bad thing altogether. But sometimes I do put too much pressure on myself to perform and if I can't meet these standards of performance I then feel like a failure. This is not good. This is not what I believe God intended. Emma's prayer reassured me that the pressure is not all on me. God can and will use me by me just being who He has made me to be. I don't have to put on pretenses of being perfect or super holy. God will use me even with my flaws. I don't have to be involved in 17 different areas of ministry for God to use me. I am even free to take time off from "ministry" and God will still use me.

A third reminder I got from God was given to me through Esther. She prayed for my relationships within my family. Esther has known me a long time. She even lived with my family for a little while. She knows the ins and outs and all the dynamics that go on in my family. In particular she prayed for my feelings of responsibility within the family. I have somehow deemed myself the glue that holds things together. I am the mediator, the go between, the peacemaker. When things start to fall apart, I feel responsible, like I have somehow let the family down. When my little sister feels unhappy with her life, I feel guilty because I am not right there to cheer her up. But the reality is that when I am there, although she is glad to have me there, she is still unhappy with her life. Her life is not my responsibility. Her life is not my responsibility. Her life is not my responsibility. Her life could not be my responsibility even if I wanted it to be. I have to tell myself this over and over and over. As soon as I really accept this truth, I will feel a huge load off my shoulders. But honestly, I still am carrying around feelings of guilt about this and I don't know how to let go of it. I'll get there someday. Sigh.